Girl 169
by Ezzaria26
Summary: If you asked one person who that was, she'd say: 'That's me. That's what they all called me.' If you asked the other he'd say: 'That's the girl the nurses were talking about when I woke up. The girl I love.' Either way, it ended up on a grave stone.


**It's Ezzy-chan! It's funny how my author's notes are so happy most of the time when sometimes the story can be depressing. Why am I bringing this up? Well, you'll see.**

**Disclaimer- Yeah, well… Ouran isn't mine. Obviously. I don't like Tamaki. The fact that Haruhi likes him in the manga, though, inspired this. That's the one thing I'll give him half a point for.**

Seven years. Is that how long it's been since you made me say those words? The words that ruined everything, that made me claim I loved him instead of you. Yeah, now that I think it over, that's exactly how long it's been. I remember how my days were before then. At the time, my mind didn't comprehend your actions. You were always close, you were always trying to protect me and be with me. He was always close, he was always trying to flatter me and bestow upon me outrageously expensive gifts. He tried too hard to be something amazing for me. But it wasn't so amazing.

Why couldn't I have noticed that earlier? The effort wasn't the point. The point was that he was changing himself to be something he was convinced would please me.

Why didn't I realize that you being yourself was what truly made my heart beat faster?

When we graduated, he and I officially started dating. I'm sure you knew there were those secret dates outside of school. Of course you knew. I was blind to the pain that shined in your amber eyes. But you knew all the same. Was the infatuation that obvious?

I guess it never had occurred to me. You weren't much of the perceptive type to me. You were so damn head strong, aggressive, and opinionated. Your brother was meant for the deeper thinking, no offense.

Was I what brought out the comprehending side in you?

No, that'd be asking too much. How could I possibly change you? You were so unique, so different, so special and great that how could I have been so stupid as to leave you just like that? Any girl would've kept with you in a second, but not the one you wanted. Call me selfish, but is it okay for me to say that? Am I still the girl you want to be with forever? Am I what you want anymore?

You were what I always wanted.

I'm sorry that I was too naive to realize my mistake.

Not to say I didn't. It's obvious I know now, but it's a little late for that. There's no way to backtrack. One can't look back on the past, right? Doing that is wasting your life.

But that's just the thing. Anything without you in it is wasting my life.

For three of those seven long years, I've been wasting my life. Two years after I said I loved him, we graduated. You went to that designing school, and… well, you know where your "toy" was bound. No one could keep me from law school, could they?

You and your brother made sure we met up over the holidays every year. Or at least, you did the first year. The second year after graduation though, in late summer, I was wearing a dress you had designed especially for me at the altar, saying 'I do' to a man that didn't have your fiery hair or your mischievous personality.

What had I been thinking then as I swore my life away to someone who could never be you?

This wasn't Halloween after all. He could try as he might to imitate you, but we know better. No one can replicate you, not in a million years. Trust me.

I remember sending you the invitation. Your brother awkwardly had called me and said, "We'll be there." I was happy to see you. The same couldn't be said from your perspective most likely. You were tense when we hugged. And when you left, I still swear to this day you were crying.

My wedding day wasn't quite the way I imagined it then. But I deserved those tears. They made my whole world break.

Too bad my mind was stubborn and won out against my heart. Quickly, I lathered my world in glue, desperately trying to tell myself that this is how it was supposed to be. You were irresistible. Surely you'd find _someone_.

So you didn't come to visit anymore. Whenever we met up in town, it was nerve-racking, and our words were monotone and brief. How I longed to tell you more, but what can I say? I married an idiot who liked to interrupt things.

Don't think I didn't see the briefest flash of agony on that handsome face of yours. I had matured and grown more aware of my surroundings. I felt horrible, but I wasn't one to break my promises. I had promised to be with him, hadn't I? You were there. You knew as well as I did that there was no way for me to turn on him or cheat on him. Besides, you probably knew better than I did why I didn't stop the wedding right there and rush to you. At the time, I was in this blissful cloud of obliviousness, one that was contagious and had been given to me by my husband. Plus, to be truthful, my heart was filled with fear.

Fear that there was no way you could forgive me. In fact, it probably is still impossible. After all that happened… My sins just can't be washed away. They are forever marked on your heart.

Call me conceited for saying so, but your brother told me many things. According to him, you became an empty shell afterwards, and perhaps your current state is fitting for you, even though he longs for you to come to your senses like I do.

I guess you could say your condition is that of an empty shell. Believe me, I miss you. Missing you is like missing myself, my world before it was taped together, my heart, my mind, my friends, my family, my everything.

Still, we emailed one another, talked as if we were still the best of friends.

This was far from the truth.

We were both holding back. Maybe, if I told you what was really going on, things would've turned out differently. But as I said before, looking back and wishing for something differently is wasting life. Though maybe that's okay.

Because that's what I'm doing right now, and it's not wasting my life. Why?

Because it has everything to do with you.

It's all about you in the end.

I remember many times, I would kiss my husband, and realize there was no spark. I think the only spark I could get was if I kissed you. Too bad we never did get to do that. I really wish that we had. A real kiss. Or am I just getting delirious and ahead of myself? That's not ever going to happen. I'm not ever going to get my happy ending with you like I always dreamed of without realizing. I remember when people told me about the princess being saved by her prince charming and riding off into the sunset. That is shit, right there. What bitch or jack-ass made that up? They're just getting little children's hopes up even though they're going to have to face reality. I just couldn't have you.

And that's me being selfish.

Yeah, I know, you haven't really heard me cuss much. I don't know what's wrong with me. But this whole fucking world seems so messed up and twisted right now.

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't had a decent meal in a while that's got me rambling on like this...

But that is getting off topic just slightly. I want to finish telling you all I've got to say and get off my chest.

Which, by the way, has grown. Whether or not you'd care is beyond me, but don't think I've easily forgotten that frilly pink swimsuit you made me to coat over the fact that I lacked womanly shape at the time.

We were so close before this whole relationship confusion entered. Feelings. At the time, neither of us were very good with them, and even though you were normally the more dense, you realized before I did. You realized you loved me, and it had taken me forever to even consider that four letter word.

But anyhow, I'm pretty sure we were as close as it got when still referring to each other as 'friends'. Plus, you were very dear to me all these years.

Imagine my surprise and shock when around three years ago I got a phone call from that beloved brother of yours, God bless him.

Unfortunately, it was not something you'd like to be told on the phone. Maybe, in some way, it had its perks. He didn't see me bawl and curl up into a little ball as a way of security. My husband did, I'm sure you'd love to hear that. But he didn't interfere. Later he asked me what had happened.

You'd gotten in a car crash. Come now, my love, you were speeding in the cold rain. Those roads were icy!

And then you crashed.

You were alive, but you were barely hanging on. In fact, I'm still convinced that the only reason you haven't yet vanished is because you want to give me the pain and depression I surely deserve.

Since I never did give you the affection, love and attention you clearly deserved.

Maybe that's me being cruel, calling you a mean person. Am I thinking too low of you?

But even if that isn't why, I will tell you now this is a very good punishment, whether it is intentional or not. I'm grateful for it.

Ever since the news reached me, I visited you. Every weekend I went to the hospital for three days; Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I sat next to you and just talked. The first couple weeks I merely sat there staring at you. You were broken, you were mangled. You were not the man I had fallen for. You were vulnerable and helples.

But that was my fault, wasn't it?

I'm so sorry. You will never forgive me, will you?

It doesn't matter. I'm sorry anyway. I will apologize and not expect to be reconciled for what I've done.

Ever.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll feel better that way.

You're probably wondering why I described you in such a manner. Again, I apologize deeply for that.

Well, you're in a coma.

I remember when they told me you're exact condition.

"_Haruhi?" a man asked, looking up with red puffy eyes that had been crying mere moments ago. They widened, revealing more clearly their amber shade, so like yours, but showing different emotions. I nodded numbly. "I didn't think you'd come."_

"_Kaoru… if I'm still allowed to call you that. I don't think I'd be able to keep myself away," I admitted._

_He nodded. "Okay," Kaoru responded, sounding empty. I didn't blame him. He had lost you and not lost you. He'd get to watch you suffer and be able to do nothing but stand by and watch. You weren't truly gone, but you weren't truly living either. You were his other half, if not romantically at least through blood, and you were his opposite. Maybe it was our obligation to watch you suffer? Maybe it was a way of comfort…_

_I'm still doing that, you know. Is it horrible? I want to help, really. But… how? Tell me how? If there's a way, it must be done! Until then… all I can do is sit here._

"_How is he? Broken bones? Or is it… more serious?" I asked, the worry slipping into my voice._

_Kaoru opened his mouth many times, but the words never came out. Finally, he simply led me to your room._

_And there you were, laying in a hospital bed, covered in white sheets, bandages wrapped around most of your body, your right leg and wrist in casts. Your eyes were closed, and your pale face was covered in cuts and scratches. Not to mention the bruises that flowered all over your skin. Your coppery hair was a mess, what little of it I could see anyway, under the bandages wrapped around your forehead. You were hooked up to machines, one telling your heart rate, one supplying fluids to you. The list went on._

"_He's in a coma," Kaoru told me. "One leg is broken, one wrist is fractured. I… I'm not sure what else the doctor said exactly, it's… It's something I'd rather not know, I think."_

That's exactly how I remember you after having not seen anything of you for over a year, and the memory still haunts me.

So I came often, and soon, my visits became closer together, and longer. They kept you connected to the machines that were keeping you alive. Kaoru refused to let you go without my consent. He shouldn't have done that. I don't deserve that power. But he insists. This is going to end horribly, I can see. After all, if we turned off the machine and let you die, then my life would truly be a waste, and I'd die.

So keeping you was the only option. Not because my life is worth much. The only part that's worth anything is seeing you. Still, it gave me something to do.

A year and a half ago, when I came home from seeing you and reading a book to you as a way to reconnect with you I suppose, my husband talked to me. You'll probably want to hear this too.

"_Haruhi-san." The guards greeted me, trying to keep their face expressionless. My voice wouldn't come, so they got no acknowledgement from me. Instead, I entered the mansion, greeted by a very gloomy Antoinette, who'd grown old and depressed since I was unhappy, which made my husband unhappy. She tried to lick my face, but eventually I gently turned the golden awy. He was waiting for me by the piano as a servant took my coat, shoes and purse before giving me some slippers to wear instead. My hands had put them on like a robot would've._

_When, eventually, my feet took me to him, he was just finishing off a very soft piece, the last chord a melancholy one. He turned to me, purple eyes sad and gentle, blonde hair mussed from worry. Most likely he'd been pacing and pulling at his golden locks. At the time I would've denied that, but it was worry for my own health as well as yours._

"_Haruhi," he started. _

"_Tamaki," I replied in kind._

_Tamaki looked me up and down. "Damn it. What have you done to yourself Haruhi? You don't eat, you don't sleep. What happened to the stubborn, determined, smart, justice-seeking girl I married?" he asked, putting his hands on my bony shoulders. All I could do was shrug in response. He sighed, shaking his head. "I think it stayed with_ him_." In case you can't tell, 'him' is you. He knew better than to say your name in front of me. I would've had a panic attack right then and there from the sound of it. Tears would've sprung to my eyes. "You were always meant for him. I was a fool to ask you to marry me."_

_For a bit there was silence as he sat down. Neither of us said anything. Then I broke the tense quiet with, "You're saying...?"_

_He turned to the piano, fingers lingering above the piano keys. "I want a divorce." My brown eyes widened at this. "It's probably too late for that. I probably should've suggested it sooner, but there's nothing else I can do. You love him. You need him. You need to stay with him and watch over him. There's nothing I can do for either of you, Haruhi."_

_I couldn't protest his reasoning nor his logic. Can you believe it? For once he was being more logical than me. So we both agreed, and I demanded nothing during the separation. I let him have it all. He didn't press me further in return._

So I spent all visiting hours with you. Every single one of them. Rumors began going around, and since I never told any of the doctors or nurses my name, everyone gave me one.

Girl 169. It's actually kind of funny in a way. You see, that's the number of your hospital room. I also liked to say that you're the first twin, so that's what the 1 is for. And your birthday is June 9, so that's what the 6 and 9 are for.

The nurses knew exactly where I was going every day. I didn't eat nor sleep most of the time. I just sat there, talking to you.

Today, I think, is different though. Today, your slow breathing sets the rhythm to my writing. I'm writing as fast as I can, I promise. But everything's got to get on this paper. Today's the last day. For me anyway…

There's no question about it.

So this is a way to say good-bye.

I'm pretty sure you aren't going to wake up and read this, but it's the thought that counts, right? So I'm putting a lot of it in here.

You. That's all my world is and was and will be. It was you from the start. But who didn't notice? Me. Blame everything on me this time. It's my fault.

I love you, Hitachiin Hikaru. I love you so much my heart bleeds, my mind aches, my body screams for you.

But I'm pretty sure I'm no longer anything to you.

Just Girl 169 at the hospital.

There's no way God would let me be anything else for you. There's no way that a girl like me deserves a great guy like you.

But that doesn't stop one thing.

I love you,

Fujioka Haruhi

Girl 169

When I had woken up, I didn't think it was possible. I'd seen the light right? I had died and gone to heaven. But there was my brother, Kaoru, happy yet sad as he looked down at me from where I was on the hospital bed.

"_Kaoru?" I managed to croak._

_He broke down right there. "Hikaru…" he muttered, shaking his head._

_My golden eyes widened. "What?"_

_He shook his head again, closing his eyes so I couldn't see something that was in them. More than likely, it was yet another emotion he had to hide from me. Instead, he handed me a sealed envelope, which I quickly took from him. It was adressed to me, so I quickly opened it, leaving the envelope in shreds on the floor. That's when I saw the familiar handwriting on the paper._

That's where I first got your letter. You were wrong you know. I still love you, I forgave you, but there really was nothing to forgive. You didn't know.

I'm obsessed with you. You're my everything. But now that I'm awake, you've slipped away once again, right through my fingers.

You are every molecule in the world to me, every bit of who I am.

You were wrong again.

I woke up.

Why didn't you wait for me?

Kaoru refused to tell me where you were. I was outraged, but persistent. I immediately left the hospital in search of you. Kaoru told me the search was futile, before I had left. He said I'd never know what to look for, how your grave wasn't like it was supposed to be.

But you're letter told me what I needed to know.

So eventually, I found myself in front of you grave. He was right. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. Your name wasn't even on it. Were you that ashamed of yourself? Didn't you know there were people who cared about you? How I cared about you? No. I read your letter. I hope you know I could never hate you. And me wish punishment upon you? No. That's not possible.

I balled my fists as I fell before the grave, clutching the headstone and crying out as it began to rain again, just like the day I had first comforted you in that church. The day my car slid off the road and caused my accident, which then caused my coma.

I think today's my last day, Haruhi. I really think it is.

Hopefully I'll see you. Hopefully I won't be damned to hell and I'll be able to finally hold you in my arms like I've always wanted to. And thank you. Thank you for what time you did give me, what attention and love you unknowingly offered me every day you came to Ouran, every day you saw me at that hospital.

Thank you for the hint that lead me to your grave.

But you'll always be Haruhi to me. Not that name the hospital gave you.

Though as I recovered, I do faintly remember the nurses that came to check on me. They spoke of a brunette who cried and talked to herself, who read to me and hugged me and sobbed into my chest when I was in my coma. They said that was true devotion, that was attention, that was love or regret.

I'm pretty sure it was love. And that was you. You say I never did get the attention I should've had, but you gave it to me.

They said they didn't know her name. So they called her Girl 169. I'm glad you gave me the hint, otherwise I never would've known.

As I died today, I remember reaching out to trace those four letters and three numbers that had led me, at last, to you. It's funny how they add up to seven. It's been seven years since I made you say you loved another. I won't make that mistake again. I promise you this.

Girl 169.

**That's what I meant. This story was so depressing to write. After reading some fanfictions, I couldn't resist. Normally I'm into humor and funny romance, but after looking for inspiration, I got it. Don't know how. It was just there. Hope you enjoyed. Please review!**

**I added a bit to the end that I didn't realize when I named this story Girl 169. The fact that I had made it seven years fit perfectly. (it wasn't on purpose like the hospital room number) Also, if you think I should write another Hikaru/Haruhi one or something, tell me. I'm up for requests.**

**Ezzy**


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